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A New Government, and a New Army

Steve Campbell

My Great Plan for County Independence is rolling on. I should declare that I have no pecuniary interest in giving you my plan for free. The province has already offered me $100,000 in ‘hush money’ to shut me up. Of course, I cashed it, since we’ll soon be Free, and they’ll have to take it up with the International Board of Trade.
All I ask is a simple Lordship, or perhaps a Knighthood (depending on who holds the sword). Also, a bronze statue in the middle of the Roundabout would be nice, provided it’s carved on a ‘good hair day’. (That was my mother’s request.)

To put first things first, we need to have a ‘referendum’. This didn’t work well for Quebec, but it worked great in South Marysburgh.
We won’t create one of those confusing questions that the Mainland governments like: “Are you sick and tired of being screwed around by the government? Are you sad to see your tax money being squandered on poorly-conceived, ill-advised legislation which requires 500 new government employees to implement and enforce? Do you shake your head when you hear of billions of tax dollars being squandered in cancelled projects, just to gain a few extra party seats? Do you have headaches just thinking about Industrial Wind Farms, before they have even been built to give you genuine headaches? Have you stopped beating your wife?”
“Please check:   Yes    No.”

No, I think the question should be clear: “Should we get out of here before the federal and provincial deficits crush us like grapes? Please check: Yes No.”Or perhaps: “Are you tired of losing your personal freedom to over-legislation and countless teams of robotic enforcement bureaucrats? Please check:  Yes No, I quite like it, please abuse me more.”
I think the answer is clear.

After the plebiscite, we have a new job at hand. What do we do with our existing Council? Do we make them our new House of Representatives? We need to decide because, if we leave it to them, 50% will vote Yes and 50% will vote No, which is a County tradition that needs to be broken.
I suggest the easy route. I believe that a person’s true character comes out when they’re duct-taped to a chair, with the glaring light of an energy-efficient 25-watt screw-in fluorescent bulb pointed right into their eyes.
We can ask them pointed questions like, “Are you with the Revolution, or against it?” Also, it’s good to open with: “Are you an assassin for the American CIA?”  This tends to rattle them in future questioning. And, if they reply “Yes”, that’s a bonus we can use in our new republic’s negotiations with the U.S.

Since it’s a Bloodless Revolution, we can only use Nerf Bats to bludgeon them, but we can offer five free whacks for $20, for those of you who have been dying to do exactly that.
The survivors of our interrogation can continue in their seats until the new election is called (also a four-day weekend). The rest will be deported to a stinking hell-hole of a town, to live out the rest of their days in misery. I suggest Belleville, but we can work on that later.
Come election time, we will have a whole new structure in place. If we become a Republic, we can have a President, and a House of Representatives. The House doesn’t have to be big – after all 13 councillors seems to be way too many for some County folks. How about one per township? (Yes, we’re bringing back townships, because no-one in the County knows their Ward number unless they’ve tattooed it on their forearm.)

The Presidential candidates should be super-smart, and have no ties to hidden corporate funding or rich lobby groups. They should be able to look good in a tux and it wouldn’t hurt if they also had a bronze statue in the middle of the Roundabout.
Personally, rather than a huge costly voting system, I prefer the old County Way: “How about Dave? He’s a good guy.” And, if Dave doesn’t work out, it’s back to the chair, duct-tape and Nerf-bat scenario. I think that the thought of spending his days in Belleville (or any other hell-hole of your choice, if you can find one) will keep Dave on the straight and narrow path.

So that part should go well. Next up, we need to do what every country in the world loves to do: Create an army.
This would be a completely defensive army, devoted to peace-keeping, just like the Canadian Armed Forces used to be, back in the Pre-Harper Days.
Of course, the County already has everything it needs, already in place. The Picton Air Cadets are a top-notch group, ready to activate. We don’t even need to spring for machine guns and missile launchers for the gliders – because we’re a peace-keeping force.
Also, we can tap into the various martial arts clubs, as well as fitness clubs, yoga clubs and even Tai-Chi groups, just because they exude the kind of peace and contentment we need more of in this world.
We’re a farming community, so we’ve got a great gene pool of young, husky farm boys who can throw a bale of hay right over a hay wagon. Technically, this is not a military skill but, with a little training, they could easily repel invaders from Quinte West at our Murray Canal toll booth. Car and all.
Now, how to arm them? I’m way ahead of you. The museums have a great collection of WWII Lee Enfield rifles, and so does the Legion. They are well-known not to jam unless they get dirty, or if it rains.
I also scouted the Second Time Around shops in Picton but, oddly, no-one has dropped off their automatic weapons, missile launchers or mortars for resale. (I was waiting for ‘Fill A Bag’ day: “Okay, MK-47 with quick-release cartridge and night-scope? That’s gonna be an extra buck.)
Plus, we have a lot of hunters here in the County, and it won’t take much sweet-talking to get them on board. They prefer to shoot ducks, geese, deer, moose, bear, beavers, muskrats, field mice, ants and, accidentally, each other – so they just need a brief reprogramming to get them to shoot invaders.
And they get to wear camoflauge clothing and military-style hats, and paint their faces, and get really drunk. Oh, wait, they already do that. So the retraining session should take about five minutes.
Next up: A new flag, and a national anthem that doesn’t sound like a funeral durge.

Filed Under: News from Everywhere ElseSteve Campbell

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  1. Olmanonthemtn says:

    Dennis we’re on the same wavelength I definitely remember the “Mouse that Roared” and felt that given our endangered Blanding turtle down on Ostrander Point or the evergrowing wild turkey population we could refer to our rebellion as the Turtle or Turkey that roared.
    But why just bows and arrows how about County built trebuchets (counter balance catapults) firing Wellington Pumpkin Fest ammo. One of our slogans could be “Ask not what your County could do for you but what you could do for your County” or given the prevailing temperament in respect to governments should it read “Ask not what you could do for your County but what your County could do for you” or how about we believe in the right to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of whatever , if that’s too American how about we believe in having some peace, a little order and damn good government

  2. Dennis Fox says:

    I believe that Steve has come up with another great idea of separation for The County. However, before we get too far down the road I think we need to come up with a proper name for this change of state. Personally I don’t like the name “County Independence Day” – it sounds far too American for me. I think we need to draw on our own history for a name. So Steve-o, I think you should organize a contest to get more of the public involved and to see their imaginations run wild. For example, how about “Loyalist Rebellion Day” or “We’ve Had Enough of the BS Day?”

    We all remember the old Peter Sellers movie “The Mouse That Roared.” All I ask Commander Steve is that I be in charge of the bows and arrows. I love the sound of wet suction cups being pulled off the windows of Shire Hall! Not that I have ever done such a thing – at least not yet.

    Dennis

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